The Marrying Kind

So, it has been a while since I've posted a blog. I realize that. And I'm sorry. I'm going to try and start posting a lot more regularly. And here is my first post topic in about 6 months: marriage. . . and divorce.

I think I had really known it for a while. And it took a really beautiful wedding for me to realize this. But I'm not the marrying kind. Like a self-hating-in-the-closet homosexual, for the longest time I was in denial that I didn't really want to get married. Maybe it was too many Disney movies growing up. You know, the Cindarella-esque story all women are told through mass culture to expect to happen as we get older. We like a guy. And we date a guy. We hold hands. And then the respectable thing happens and we get married to said guy. I think I tried convinving myself that I wanted to get married, but deep, deep, deep down I knew. I'm not the marrying kind.

Don't get me wrong, for the "right" reasons, marriage can be a wonderful thing, I guess. I'm really not sure. I don't think I've ever seen it. Ever. My parents got divorced. My friends got divorced. Their parent's got divorced. Strangers got divorced. Bosses and co-workers got divorced. And strongly fighting the socially acceptable "Awww, I'm sorry", I force myself to congratulate them and say "Good for you!". If there was ONE thing that my previous relationships have taught me it's that if you're not happy, change your situation. Leave. Break-up. Get a divorce. I may not understand the capacity for marriage, but I understand that one thing.

As I have just demonstrated, I'm not an expert on these things. Like Jane Goodall in the wild observing monkeys, I can examine marriage for years, but unless I grow up as a monkey I will never know what it means to be one. Other than the benefits (which would probably be my only reason for ever getting married. That and all the free toasters, apparently) I really don't think I will get married. Having been in a relationship for nearly three years now with an amazing human being who makes me a more complete and better person, we see absolutely no reason to get hitched. We've entertained the thought and have come up with elaborate plans, but we both realize that it would kind of be a waste of time and money.



Obviously something about marriage doesn't work. Maybe it's because marriage was originally (and still is for some people) a way for men to control a woman's life, sexually, politically, and financially. Maybe it's because we feel like it will relieve a desire to not die alone, which when you think about it, marriage really doesn't promise that. Or to let women act out the essential Disney fairytale of looking like a prostitute/princess for a day. Regardless of how jaded some might be to the idea that marriage is about romance, love, and good feelings, these things can happen outside of marriage. I promise you. My best theory for why marriage doesn't work is because all of our lives we are told of these roles and expectations that we are supposed to fill as marriage partners. And more often than not, the male takes on the superior role. And some "feminist" Christian women will tell you that women leaving the home and not being the sole caregiver of the home and family anymore is the reason for the failure of the institution of marriage (and all of the other ills of the world). I think most of the problem has lied in the stereotypes that women and men are meant to fill within the idea of marriage. That women, regardless if they stay home or work outside the house, should be the good domesticated wife. Cook, clean, raise children. When instead, this really should be a shared effort.

But, there is hope for marriage, yet. And this change will have to come from men and women. Men should be raised to see women as EQUALS in all aspect of life. At the job, in the office, at the home, out in public. And women need to get out there and realize they can have it all. You don't have to choose a home life or a work life. You can (and should) ask your man too cook and clean for you every once in a while. Or, if you are intrinsically not happy with marriage, to feel like you can leave. There is so much male propaganda about how marriage is awful (enter that awful 90's show with the grumpy man and the red head) and you never have sex again, and how women just nag and complain. Stop complaining and leave! Be liberated! Get a divorce!



If marriage/love is ever going to succeed we need to stop defining gender roles within the institution and let ourselves just love. Or maybe we should completely demolish the idea of matrimony and give the world some non-hierarchal anarchy love! Just let it be free. There really is no other need for marriage other than to fill some old, traditional, male-chauvinistic, Hallmark card sense of love. Which, I don't really think exists. Women don't need a hero to rescue us and bring us back to their castle. And men don't need an exclusive prostitute to make dinner every night. If marriage is going to exist in a modern world, then we are depriving ourselves the opportunity to evolve without out it and find a way to express ourselves without defining ourselves with sterotypes that eventually destroy us and keep us from reaching our full potential.

If you are married and are reading this and you think that I'm completely wrong and that marriage has made your life fulfilling, good for you. Congratulations. Mahzel-Tov. I'm truly, deep-down happy for you. But that doesn't mean that your reasons for getting married will need to be a reason I would ever need to. And I would also invite you to really examine the reasons behind why you got married. Behind the "love" and "grandeur" I'm sure there is social pressure and a fairytale.

But, who knows. Maybe like the libertarian author Ayn Rand taking government benefits near the end of her life, I will get married eventually to a husband with benefits.

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Imagine All the People: A Lesson From A Week Without Politics and Religion

I remember once in high school a teacher made us all do an online test to gauge where our political beliefs stood on a chart. Liberal. Conservative. Anarchist. Communist. To visually imagine it he made us stand in the room where we ended up on the chart. Needless to say, I was standing very far away from all of my classmates. If any historical entities were standing there in the classroom, I'd probably be shoulder to shoulder with the Che Guevara. Nothing much has changed since then, but because I'm borderline addicted to politics I just have a different perception about the world now. So if you haven't already guessed I'm a bright-eyed optimistic liberal. To a fault. And my spiritual beliefs have evolved past anything even recognisable. And my beliefs about the universe evolve every day. I'm not scared to say that what I learned growing up was wrong. I'm not scared to say what I said yesterday about my belifs are wrong today.

Things have become extremely heated in the area of politics and religion. I could go on for days about why I belive that it has, but that is a different blog post. I become very heated about it as well, because it would seem like I'm surrounded by people who have a lot to say about politics but only research as far as their t.v. remote will let them. Having realized that this constant obsession with politics doesn't make me a happier person I decided to take a week off from everything religion or politics. And for me that meant turning off the car radio because all I listen to is NPR. Not checking more than half of my e-mails from which mostly come from NOW and other feminist organizations. Not being tempted to tell redneck racist losers at the next table at dinner that they're redneck racist losers. Not going on a million rants about Osma Bin Laden/ Barrack Obama/ George W. Bush/ etc.. The latter was especially hard because it was announced that Osama Bin Laden was killed fifteen minutes before I officially stopped talking about religion and politics.

You might ask me what was the point of it all. Well, here is what I learned:

1: Religion and politics encompasses anything and everything. If you start talking about something and want to figure out how it started, eventually it leads back to something religious or politically based.
2: After giving up this addiction (and politics truly is) I realized that I can live life without being glued to political articles. Politics will still go on without me.
3: If I don't agree with something, I can do something about it. Write letters to politicians, organize, fundraise, protest, etc. but talking about it doesn't do much more than make enemies.
4: To love people despite their beliefs. Or maybe because of them. Like in high school, I sit very far away from everyone else in the political and religious arena. Most of my friends and family are on the opposite side of the room. It's so easy for me to say that I hate Republicans and Conservatives, but they're all my family. And I love them. And I think that if we all realized this, there would be a lot less hateful political rhetoric and a lot more problem solving.

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." ~Plato

You probably think this blog is about you. . . Part Two.

This is a not so very short soundtrack set to all of the not so long relationships and not so much relationships of my past (and present). At first I was going to put names to these descriptions but then I realized that I probably shouldn't. You know who you are. So here it goes.


If my life were a movie then this song would be in the background during every moment of heartache and dissapointment.


Back when I was a younger, and much more nieve, I was in a relationship with a certain person. Shit happens. And so did this relationship. I've made my peace with everything. And I know now that you have to dig through a lot of trash to find treasure.


I didn't ever really have that many "crushes" in high school, but this was one of them. And I don't really know how to explain it, but with this song.


This one isn't necessarily about a relationship in the boyfriend/ girlfriend way, but a very good long distance friendship with a certain person.


A long, long time ago. In a high school far, far away. . . I had a crush. And looking back I see how insane my evidence for a supposed "perfect connection" was. I actually just lol'ed. But, this is one of the songs that reminded me of this certain person.




So once upon a not too long time ago (well, it feels like a long time ago) I was in a difficult relationship. And thats why I'm not in it anymore. And that is all that really needs to be said about that. But here are a few songs that explain how I felt in that relationship and how I felt to finally get out of it.





So. . . this one is about a girl. Well, maybe more than one. As much as I always told the people around me and her it wasn't like this. . . it kind of was. It was kind of if Ghost World had a Fried Green Tomatoes vibe to it.



Well, I'm in a relationship now that I plan on being in for a while. And before it developed into what it is now, there was this song. And it still makes me think about him. And it still makes my heart jump. And so does he.

There is something you should know about me. . . A soundtrack. Part One.

This blog post has been a long time coming. I've told a few people about it already. You may be a part of this and not even know it. I will mention a few people by name. Some people will remain anonymous. Not necessarily for their protection, but maybe for mine. To be honest this started as an idea that I heard about and thought of attempting and then it became something bigger. And bigger. And then even bigger than I even thought it would become. So here it is, some sort of soundtrack to my life. In several different blog posts, I will attempt to explain some of the songs and then there are some songs that certain lines really explain themselves. These could be something that you could read each post individually without the others and understand it. But, as you'll soon find out, I'm more than the sum of my parts.


Half Jack by The Dresden Dolls
You were bound to find out sooner or later. I'm in love with the Dresden Dolls and Amanda Palmer and I can relate to many of their songs. This one especially. This is one that needs to be watched/ heard in it's entirety to understand it.


Heather by Heavens
Ever since high school one of my best friends loved this band and said this song reminded her of me. It's actually very accurate. And a very good band.


Disintegration by The Cure
This one isn't so much a song describing me, but one of those quintessential "goth" songs that had a very huge impact on my life.


Hold On by Tom Waits
What would a soundtrack to my life be without Tom Waits?


Lucretia My Reflection by The Sisters of Mercy
This song is another one of those "goth" songs that don't necessarily "explain" me in any way, but the song had a huge impact on my life. And after much contemplation on the issue, this is my favorite SOM song.


Older Crowd by MC Chris
Ever since I was about the age of 16 I hated anyone my age or younger. And now that I think about it, most people older than me too.


Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls
And I'll leave you with this favorite by The Dresden Dolls and Amanda Palmer.

Am I A Modern Domestic Goddess?

So I recently read a news article about a survey that said young women don't have certain "domestic skills" anymore such as cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc. As a young women who knows how to do all of those things and more, I agree. And disagree. I agree that fewer young women know how to do things like that, but I disagree that those are exclusively female tasks. Although I'm not certain of the entire depth of the survey taken, I assume they didn't survey MEN to see if any of them had "domestic skills". I can tell you right now that in my household the man does most of the cleaning and some of the cooking (and he even does his own laundry) , while I take out the trash and do most of the cooking. I knit, scrapbook, paint, etc. My boyfriend even admitted to me that he knows basic sewing skills. Maybe fewer women have those "domestic skills" but I'm sure a lot (or atleast a few) more men have those skills now than 50 years ago. As a self-proclaimed feminist bordering on femi-nazi the thought of having the life of a 50's housewife makes my stomach turn. But there is a certain charm to it all. Maybe it's the kitschy-ness of it. Maybe it's because I love working with my hands and appreciate a handmade life of sorts. (Side note: When I think of the term "domestic goddess" it conjures up an image of a petite white female in heels wearing a slim fitting dress under a clean apron adorned with pearls dishing out dinner for her husband who just came home from work. But when I turn the coin and try to think of what a "domestic god" might look like I am drawing a blank. Any readers thoughts on this?). The authors of the article challenged themselves to come up with what they thought were modern skill sets that they were good at. So here is mine:

I'm a fast reader.
I can change a tire. (I've changed more tires than changed boyfriends)
I know how to tie a tie.
I can brew a great pot of coffee.
I remain relatively optimistic about things.
I can multi-task with great efficiency.
I'm good at setting up technology/ figuring things out.

Innapropriate (Warning: Contains Very Raunchy Subject Matter)

So the conversation about innapropriate crushes came up a few months ago between a group of friends one night and we all explored our insatiable lust for WIERD people. Since then I've found out from several other friends that odd and unlikely crushes are everywhere. Here are a few of my very innapropriate crushes.


Steve Buscemi


So ever since I saw the movie Ghost World (which was a very defining movie and comic book in my youth) I've pretty much had a crush on the nerdiest, most absurd men (and sometimes women). His character, Seymour, a recluse oddball record collector really hit a chord with me. Steve Buscemi is and will always be the quintessential nerdy actor in my heart.

John C. Reilly

I'm not really sure how to justify even this one as an innapropriate crush. But for some gosh darn reason I am completely in lust with John C Reilly. Maybe it was seeing him shirtless in StepBrothers. Maybe it was him as Dr. Steve Brule (even though I'm not a fan of the Steve And Eric Show). All I know is that my crush on him is very innapropriate.

Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman)

I love the show Parks and Recreation. And my favorite part of the show is Nick Offerman's character Ron Swanson. Between the mustache, insatiable hunger for breakfast foods, love of strong women, and chair canning abilities who could ask for more?

Alan Moore

So in case you didn't know, I LOVE comic books. And apparently I love old, crazy, dirty-looking hippy men. In case you weren't convinced by the picture, watch the documentary about him, The Mindscape of Alan Moore, and try to tell me you wouldn't ride that beard silly until dawn.

Robert Smith

I know I have a few friends who agree with me here. Robert Smith could be 100 years old, in a wheelchair, hairless, with a missing testicle and I would still -tap- that. In a heart beat. Robert Smith was such a huge part of my youth and every song from every album has a special place in my life somewhere.

Geoffrey Rush

Dirty. Check. Old man. Check. In historical dress. Check. Watch the movie Quills. See Geoffrey Rush's bare man booty and penis. You'll never be able to watch him in Pirates of the Carribean and not grin.

I'm not very sorry about this blog.

So this is a little blog-poem hybrid monster thats kind of been growing in my head for a while and I finally decided to put it down on the imaginary internet paper notebook that seems to be my blog.

I'm not very sorry that I'm not very pretty and I'm not very sorry that I have too much to say. I'm not very sorry that I don't go to church and I'm not very sorry that I've read the Bible more than most people who do. I'm not very sorry that I'm a bit of a hypocrite and a procrastinator and I'm not very sorry that both seem to fuel each other. I'm not very sorry that I resent wearing make-up and I'm not very sorry that deep down inside I love it. I'm not very sorry that I don't see most issues as black and white and that I exist (or perhaps am drowning) somewhere in the grey murky waters in between. I'm not very sorry that I hate flip-flops. Full stop. I'm not very sorry that I say the word CUNT a little bit too much, even by my crazy extreme feminist standards. I'm not very sorry that when I was a teenager I read too much Nietzsche and Ayn Rand and Dostoevsky than any normal teenager should have read. I'm not very sorry that I'm not very good at art and that I think art just for art's sake is all right. And I'm not very sorry that I'm a little bit pretentious and that saying that makes me sound extremely pretentious. I'm not very sorry that I don't shave my legs or armpits very often and I'm not very sorry about the implications that gives regarding what else I don't shave very often either. I'm not very sorry that I'm human and I'm not very sorry that I think we should all stop pretending that we're not. I'm not very sorry that I'm in love with music and I'm not very sorry that I'm only a little bit sorry about never learning how to play music. I'm not very sorry that for some reason I feel so connected to humanity but at the same time I feel very disconnected. I'm not very sorry that I sometimes think I'm an alien and that so are you. I'm not very sorry that I love clothes a little bit too much for someone who is even on the best of days a firm believer in an almost nihilistic approach to an anarcho-libertarian utopia hybrid world. I'm not very sorry that I hate doctors and I'm not very sorry that I have a disease that forces me to interact with them on a regular basis. I'm not very sorry that I believe that in order to know anything you must question and maybe even destroy everything you think you know. And I'm not very sorry that I think therefore I am (atleast I think I do) and I'm not very sorry that I hate Descartes. I'm not very sorry that I have too much time on my hands but I don't get done with nearly as much as I want to. I'm not very sorry that I have the same problems as most people and I'm not very sorry that I don't complain about them as much as other people do. And I'm not very sorry that when I started to type this that I had something completely different in mind and that it grew completely out of my control.