You probably think this blog is about you. . . Part Two.

This is a not so very short soundtrack set to all of the not so long relationships and not so much relationships of my past (and present). At first I was going to put names to these descriptions but then I realized that I probably shouldn't. You know who you are. So here it goes.


If my life were a movie then this song would be in the background during every moment of heartache and dissapointment.


Back when I was a younger, and much more nieve, I was in a relationship with a certain person. Shit happens. And so did this relationship. I've made my peace with everything. And I know now that you have to dig through a lot of trash to find treasure.


I didn't ever really have that many "crushes" in high school, but this was one of them. And I don't really know how to explain it, but with this song.


This one isn't necessarily about a relationship in the boyfriend/ girlfriend way, but a very good long distance friendship with a certain person.


A long, long time ago. In a high school far, far away. . . I had a crush. And looking back I see how insane my evidence for a supposed "perfect connection" was. I actually just lol'ed. But, this is one of the songs that reminded me of this certain person.




So once upon a not too long time ago (well, it feels like a long time ago) I was in a difficult relationship. And thats why I'm not in it anymore. And that is all that really needs to be said about that. But here are a few songs that explain how I felt in that relationship and how I felt to finally get out of it.





So. . . this one is about a girl. Well, maybe more than one. As much as I always told the people around me and her it wasn't like this. . . it kind of was. It was kind of if Ghost World had a Fried Green Tomatoes vibe to it.



Well, I'm in a relationship now that I plan on being in for a while. And before it developed into what it is now, there was this song. And it still makes me think about him. And it still makes my heart jump. And so does he.

There is something you should know about me. . . A soundtrack. Part One.

This blog post has been a long time coming. I've told a few people about it already. You may be a part of this and not even know it. I will mention a few people by name. Some people will remain anonymous. Not necessarily for their protection, but maybe for mine. To be honest this started as an idea that I heard about and thought of attempting and then it became something bigger. And bigger. And then even bigger than I even thought it would become. So here it is, some sort of soundtrack to my life. In several different blog posts, I will attempt to explain some of the songs and then there are some songs that certain lines really explain themselves. These could be something that you could read each post individually without the others and understand it. But, as you'll soon find out, I'm more than the sum of my parts.


Half Jack by The Dresden Dolls
You were bound to find out sooner or later. I'm in love with the Dresden Dolls and Amanda Palmer and I can relate to many of their songs. This one especially. This is one that needs to be watched/ heard in it's entirety to understand it.


Heather by Heavens
Ever since high school one of my best friends loved this band and said this song reminded her of me. It's actually very accurate. And a very good band.


Disintegration by The Cure
This one isn't so much a song describing me, but one of those quintessential "goth" songs that had a very huge impact on my life.


Hold On by Tom Waits
What would a soundtrack to my life be without Tom Waits?


Lucretia My Reflection by The Sisters of Mercy
This song is another one of those "goth" songs that don't necessarily "explain" me in any way, but the song had a huge impact on my life. And after much contemplation on the issue, this is my favorite SOM song.


Older Crowd by MC Chris
Ever since I was about the age of 16 I hated anyone my age or younger. And now that I think about it, most people older than me too.


Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls
And I'll leave you with this favorite by The Dresden Dolls and Amanda Palmer.

Am I A Modern Domestic Goddess?

So I recently read a news article about a survey that said young women don't have certain "domestic skills" anymore such as cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc. As a young women who knows how to do all of those things and more, I agree. And disagree. I agree that fewer young women know how to do things like that, but I disagree that those are exclusively female tasks. Although I'm not certain of the entire depth of the survey taken, I assume they didn't survey MEN to see if any of them had "domestic skills". I can tell you right now that in my household the man does most of the cleaning and some of the cooking (and he even does his own laundry) , while I take out the trash and do most of the cooking. I knit, scrapbook, paint, etc. My boyfriend even admitted to me that he knows basic sewing skills. Maybe fewer women have those "domestic skills" but I'm sure a lot (or atleast a few) more men have those skills now than 50 years ago. As a self-proclaimed feminist bordering on femi-nazi the thought of having the life of a 50's housewife makes my stomach turn. But there is a certain charm to it all. Maybe it's the kitschy-ness of it. Maybe it's because I love working with my hands and appreciate a handmade life of sorts. (Side note: When I think of the term "domestic goddess" it conjures up an image of a petite white female in heels wearing a slim fitting dress under a clean apron adorned with pearls dishing out dinner for her husband who just came home from work. But when I turn the coin and try to think of what a "domestic god" might look like I am drawing a blank. Any readers thoughts on this?). The authors of the article challenged themselves to come up with what they thought were modern skill sets that they were good at. So here is mine:

I'm a fast reader.
I can change a tire. (I've changed more tires than changed boyfriends)
I know how to tie a tie.
I can brew a great pot of coffee.
I remain relatively optimistic about things.
I can multi-task with great efficiency.
I'm good at setting up technology/ figuring things out.

Innapropriate (Warning: Contains Very Raunchy Subject Matter)

So the conversation about innapropriate crushes came up a few months ago between a group of friends one night and we all explored our insatiable lust for WIERD people. Since then I've found out from several other friends that odd and unlikely crushes are everywhere. Here are a few of my very innapropriate crushes.


Steve Buscemi


So ever since I saw the movie Ghost World (which was a very defining movie and comic book in my youth) I've pretty much had a crush on the nerdiest, most absurd men (and sometimes women). His character, Seymour, a recluse oddball record collector really hit a chord with me. Steve Buscemi is and will always be the quintessential nerdy actor in my heart.

John C. Reilly

I'm not really sure how to justify even this one as an innapropriate crush. But for some gosh darn reason I am completely in lust with John C Reilly. Maybe it was seeing him shirtless in StepBrothers. Maybe it was him as Dr. Steve Brule (even though I'm not a fan of the Steve And Eric Show). All I know is that my crush on him is very innapropriate.

Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman)

I love the show Parks and Recreation. And my favorite part of the show is Nick Offerman's character Ron Swanson. Between the mustache, insatiable hunger for breakfast foods, love of strong women, and chair canning abilities who could ask for more?

Alan Moore

So in case you didn't know, I LOVE comic books. And apparently I love old, crazy, dirty-looking hippy men. In case you weren't convinced by the picture, watch the documentary about him, The Mindscape of Alan Moore, and try to tell me you wouldn't ride that beard silly until dawn.

Robert Smith

I know I have a few friends who agree with me here. Robert Smith could be 100 years old, in a wheelchair, hairless, with a missing testicle and I would still -tap- that. In a heart beat. Robert Smith was such a huge part of my youth and every song from every album has a special place in my life somewhere.

Geoffrey Rush

Dirty. Check. Old man. Check. In historical dress. Check. Watch the movie Quills. See Geoffrey Rush's bare man booty and penis. You'll never be able to watch him in Pirates of the Carribean and not grin.

I'm not very sorry about this blog.

So this is a little blog-poem hybrid monster thats kind of been growing in my head for a while and I finally decided to put it down on the imaginary internet paper notebook that seems to be my blog.

I'm not very sorry that I'm not very pretty and I'm not very sorry that I have too much to say. I'm not very sorry that I don't go to church and I'm not very sorry that I've read the Bible more than most people who do. I'm not very sorry that I'm a bit of a hypocrite and a procrastinator and I'm not very sorry that both seem to fuel each other. I'm not very sorry that I resent wearing make-up and I'm not very sorry that deep down inside I love it. I'm not very sorry that I don't see most issues as black and white and that I exist (or perhaps am drowning) somewhere in the grey murky waters in between. I'm not very sorry that I hate flip-flops. Full stop. I'm not very sorry that I say the word CUNT a little bit too much, even by my crazy extreme feminist standards. I'm not very sorry that when I was a teenager I read too much Nietzsche and Ayn Rand and Dostoevsky than any normal teenager should have read. I'm not very sorry that I'm not very good at art and that I think art just for art's sake is all right. And I'm not very sorry that I'm a little bit pretentious and that saying that makes me sound extremely pretentious. I'm not very sorry that I don't shave my legs or armpits very often and I'm not very sorry about the implications that gives regarding what else I don't shave very often either. I'm not very sorry that I'm human and I'm not very sorry that I think we should all stop pretending that we're not. I'm not very sorry that I'm in love with music and I'm not very sorry that I'm only a little bit sorry about never learning how to play music. I'm not very sorry that for some reason I feel so connected to humanity but at the same time I feel very disconnected. I'm not very sorry that I sometimes think I'm an alien and that so are you. I'm not very sorry that I love clothes a little bit too much for someone who is even on the best of days a firm believer in an almost nihilistic approach to an anarcho-libertarian utopia hybrid world. I'm not very sorry that I hate doctors and I'm not very sorry that I have a disease that forces me to interact with them on a regular basis. I'm not very sorry that I believe that in order to know anything you must question and maybe even destroy everything you think you know. And I'm not very sorry that I think therefore I am (atleast I think I do) and I'm not very sorry that I hate Descartes. I'm not very sorry that I have too much time on my hands but I don't get done with nearly as much as I want to. I'm not very sorry that I have the same problems as most people and I'm not very sorry that I don't complain about them as much as other people do. And I'm not very sorry that when I started to type this that I had something completely different in mind and that it grew completely out of my control.

Most women are one man away from welfare. ~Gloria Steinem

This blog post has been a long time coming. This will probably be just Part One of many blog posts of mine on this/these subject/s. It most definitely won't be the last. If you know me this well by now, you know that I'm a feminist. Yes, I'm one of those. As much as I kind of, sort of, don't want to admit it, I am. I get into arguments with men (who aren't my close significant other) who call me "baby", "sweetie" "good girl" (I just did a little shudder at that last one, did you?) I quietly in my head have arguments with thirteen year old girls (and their parents) who have children. And with women my age who seem to think that finding a man and marrying him is our only salvation and we just can't seem to possibly survive by our own devices. But truly, it's not our fault. We have been socially conditioned from the time we pop out from our Mother's womb. We're sung pop hits, told fairy-tales, read poetry, watch movies about finding love. And not just about finding love. But waiting for that one special man who will sweep us off our feet and let us stay at home and cook and clean while they win the bread elsewhere. But the thing is that most men are not capable of doing this. It's not their fault, they're socially conditioned as well. Now, I can tell you first-hand that as a woman who is most definitely deeply and truly in love, that it is grand. But it's not everything. I promise you that. And I can also tell you that most people my age were raised by single women who often times did not get credit for the insane amounts of work they were just expected to do. And by Fathers who lied, abused, ran off, cheated, didn't take responsibility, etc. And we're told to give them the benefit of the doubt because, well, it's not their fault. They're socially conditioned.

From a very young age, I questioned everything. I severely questioned the authority of "rules", moral values, and most significantly, The Bible. I had been taught most of the stories since I was young. I even went to private Christian school until the 3rd grade and went to church frequently until I was about in third grade. I went to church for a brief time in middle school. I went on church trips. But I think all of the illusions shattered when one of the pastors told our youth group that we should be leaders in the Church and that we should consider becoming preachers as well. I went to express my interest in becoming a preacher and was told that I couldn't. And that I should try to become a preacher's wife. Little did I know that God has prerequisites for becoming a Church leader and that having a penis, testicles, and a Y chromosome were a few of them. I shouldn't have been surprised, there is justification in his attitude. 1 Corinthians 14:33-38 goes as follows: "As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silence in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be subordinate, as even the law says. If there is anything they desire to know, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church."

I could go on and on about Bible doctrines that subjugate and opress women. But that would be besides the point I'm trying to make. You find it in the Old and New Testaments, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita. And you find it in modern day movies, songs, the fashion and beauty industries. In the magazines on the shelves of the checkout counters. In the t.v. advertisements we see every day. On billboards shouting at us and our cars on every interstate drive we make. But the most important thing is that we stop buying in to it. That we realize that as soon as we stop giving these people our collective time and money and that WE SHAPE OUR ENTIRE WORLD that these things will either change or completely cease to be.

You don't have to signal a social conscience by looking like a frump. Lace knickers won't hasten the holocaust, you can ban the bomb in a feather boa just as well as without, and a mild interest in the length of hemlines doesn't necessarily disqualify you from reading Das Kapital and agreeing with every word. ~Elizabeth Bibesco


I wish someone would have told me that, just because I'm a girl, I don't have to get married. ~Marlo Thomas

Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill. ~Betty Friedan

My to-do list for 2011

If you know me, by now you should know I have a hard time finishing anything. And I forget everything. I'm a procrastinator to a fault. And I'm a little bit lazy. Add all of this together and you get the most unlikely candidate for New Years Resolutions. Or maybe the best, I'm not really sure. But, let me back up here for a moment. Before I make my to-do list for 2011 I'd like to mention some (actually, kind of big) achievements for 2010. I was in two plays (Steel Magnolias and Dearly Departed) I had an art show. I've painted about 20-something paintings. I've started reading about 15 books and finished 3 all the way. I've gone hiking. I got into a car crash. I went to Orlando. And Tampa. And Atlanta. And Naples. I've met so many new friends, watched some of them go, had some of them come back. Wow. . . I feel like I did more than that. . . but back to the point.

Here are the things I would like to accomplish by this time next year:
Finishing 50 paintings and/or works of art. Approximately one a week.
Maybe sell some of said paintings.
Make more stuff. Like clothes. Or jewelery.
Possibly another play or two.
Read books by only women authors.
Read more in general.
Watch fewer movies and shows. (Certain exceptions apply)
Shop local and eat local more often.
Volunteer.
Stop using plastic bags (even though I recycle them now)
Excercise more. Do yoga. Hike. Bike.
Maybe, possibly, hopefully move to another town (this is kind of on the DL)

Well, thats about it. . . until about ten minutes from now when I think of something else. . .